And then there was none.
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As I sat in the waiting room at the vet’s office, all I could think was, “Am I really here again? Going through this again? Only six short months after losing Ebi?”
Ginger sat on my lap, frail. Shaking. Looking at me with sad eyes. And right next to me was a young couple with a puppy. Maybe 12 weeks old.
I hated them for a minute.
They’re starting a new life and one of mine was ending.
It’s all about life and death, isn’t it? Babies are born every day…and elderly people pass. People get puppies and kittens every day…and someone is faced with the terrible decision of putting their dog or cat down. Every day. We know this. And it doesn’t help.
Do the details matter? Does it matter that Ginger needed surgery? Does it matter that she didn’t recover; that the antibiotics weren’t helping. That she wouldn’t eat. That I was back and forth to the vet every single day for over a week pumping her with fluids and pain medication. That I did everything I could to keep her. Just one more day.
No, the details don’t matter. Cancer got her. Just like Ebi. So insanely healthy for 15 years and then in the blink of an eye, cancer got both of them.
Cancer is such an asshole.
Ginger really wasn’t the same after Ebi died. Something in her sort of checked out a little. Litter mates…like losing a limb, I have no doubt. But she was still precious as ever. Always my needy one. My constant companion. My licker.
But last Thursday, she didn’t have any kisses left for me. And that’s when I knew.
And now they’re both gone. Neither one are here to greet me when I walk through the door. Neither one to sit on the couch with me, or sit on my lap while I type. Just empty beds and vacant leashes.
The silence in the house while the kids are at school is deafening.
I hope they are together again. I hope Ginger is sitting on Ebi’s head. I hope they’re chasing dragonflies. I hope they’re relaxing in the sun. I hope I see them again someday. I hope.
Rest in peace, my sweet girls. You brought joy to my life that you will never know…and you will be with me always.
Always.
I’m so very sorry you lost your sweet girls. Your story is heartbreaking, being such dog people ourselves. I stumbled onto your dog biscuit recipe, and then your story. I make almost all their dog treats (2 Siberian Huskies).
Your babies will bring you so many sweet memories. You likely have a phone full of pics & videos. God Bless.
Hi Amy,
I was looking for a tres leche recipe and your recipe popped up! I love that, because I follow you on TikTok!! Love everything about your content and videos there. I read your bio here @ Bellyful.
I love to cook when I can, chronic illness makes it hard for me but I do it because it is very cathartic and relaxing for me. Keep it up and thank you for the kindness and smile (you have a great smile and smile the kindness in your voice)
I have absolutely no content on TikTok, had no idea what it was til my husband was in his office laughing so hard I had to ask him what he was doing. He said he was on TikTok, and I told him I never heard of it, he says that I need it when I am really sick I get my iPad and down that rabbit hole I go! Love it.
Your stories of Ebi and Ginger made me cry. I know far too well about saying goodbye to our loyal dogs. The ashes of my three Yorkies sit on my mantle. I now have three more and dread what I will again be faced with. The only comfort I can give to you and myself is thank God there are people like us to care so deeply for these wonderful creatures. I am happy that I have given six dogs a wonderful life and so should you.
Hello Amy, I stumbled across your site today, almost 5 years after your posting about losing your beloved pups. I too, lost my two hounds 6 mos. apart. Taco, 10 yrs Bloodhound and Rapido, 10 yrs Bassett Hound. (these guys were literally 6 weeks apart in age). I still cry when I think of them or see another that looks similar. I often wonder if I will ever recover. It’s been 3+ years but the pain feels like it hasn’t lessened. Thank you for sharing your story because I really hate when people minimize the grief by just calling them replacable animals. I have not replaced my boys yet and don’t know if I will. The good news is…the stray cat (borderline ferel) I saved about 8 yrs ago has gone from the “snobby cat, nose and tail in the air, what’s purring (?), don’t you dare touch me” cat into the most loving and comforting cat alive since their passing. There is a little hope now. I will spend the rest of today crying and smiling while cooking. Chocolate soup. XOXO
Hi Rachelle – it’s so hard. All these years later, I still cry when I talk about my girls! But it does get easier as times passes. We were finally ready to get another Beagle a few months ago. Her name is Penny and she’s awesome. She’ll never replace Ebi and Ginger, but she has filled a void. Sending you a big virtual hug!!
Sometimes things are seen because your heart and soul need them. Thank You for your moving tribute and words of such meaning, on the loss of your four legged family members. We just lost our Yorkie of 13 years (he was born right here in our house, the dog that shouldn’t be, as his mom lost his littermate in a miscarriage)….and then…he seemed to be a grumpy puppy, maybe not so good a temperment. Well…he grew to be an oversize Yorkie (12 pounds)….and went everywhere with his Dad….in the tractor..with or without cab on it…pretty funny, and not enough photos…yorkie and man….speeding down the highway on an old tractor! Yorkie standing and looking out the full glass back window on the big tractor….Yorkie with his own traveling waterbowl, going with the 2 of us to visit family, and with husband to see his mom who was dying, and an unusual character of a Yorkie waving and smiling at her!! We have 2 of his half-sisters….and they are unique individuals as well, but Fred is so missed. It will be a long time before quite looking for him, listening for him. The Rainbow Bridge fields will be full when we reach there and join up again with our 4 legged families. RIP to all of our special family. Thank you for listening…and I love your recipes and comments. You have really moved me…and my heart has a little ease because of them.
So so sorry for your loss, as well Charmaine. It’s so hard. I was devastated for years and it’s only been recently (2 months ago, to be exact), that we finally got another Beagle puppy. But I will never ever stop missing my first two. They carve a hole in your heart and stay there forever, right? I’m glad my post brought you a little solace, if even for a few minutes.
I stumbled on your Face Book page, and came here to your website. After losing my precious cat Daphne of 15 years, it figures this would be the first post I would find. I feel your pain and grieve with you. It’s taken two years, but I just adopted a mama kitty and her baby (Eugenia Isabella Underfoot & Theodora Esmeralda Underfoot) and life seems almost normal again. My house feels like a home once more. Now that I’ve typed through tears, it’s time to check out your recipes and creations.
So happy to have met you,
Peter
Hi Peter – what a way to be introduced! It’s hard for me to believe it’s nearly 2 years since I lost my pups. When I read this post again, it feels like yesterday. I don’t think my heart will ever completely stop aching, but I can finally talk about them without sobbing. Mostly. Someday we will get another dog, we’re just not there yet. Good for you, though! I hear it’s the best way to move on. <3
Hi Amy:
Yes, definitely a unique way of meeting someone. My heart hurts for your loss. Daphne was the first pet I ever lost. I spent the last two years visiting the animal shelter every other week just to pet the kitties and hold them (as the staff calls it, kitty therapy). Every time they would ask if I was “ready”, I’d take a deep breath and almost cry thinking about another cat taking Daphne’s spot in the house. On my last visit, they old me the story of Eugenia and Theodora. Some one had left Eugenia and her six babies in a large Tupperwear container in front of the shelter in the middle of the night, with the lid ON. When they arrived in the morning and found the box, one kitten had passed and all the rest were oxygen deprived and ill. Oddly, Theodora was the runt of the litter, yet survived. They nursed the other kittens to health and fostered them out. Theodora was far too small and dependent on her mom to be taken away, so they kept them together while she regained weight and strength. When they showed them to me, I could bear the thought of someone coming along and separating them, so with big lump in my heart, I took them both. They’re sweet, adorable, affectionate, and wake me up FAR too early in the morning, but I’m happier. And I hadn’t realized how much I missed stray cat hair on my black pants at work.
Your site is great and I’m finding all sorts of dishes I want to try.
Peter
Lots of typos above. “Told” me the story and I “couldn’t” bear the thought. There’s probably more, so forgive my terrible typing.
Omg Peter. I have zero tolerance for animal cruelty, and whenever I hear stories like this, it makes me physically ill :/ Thank goodness for people like you who can turn a sad story into a happy one! <3
Amy, you are amazing. I did not even know your four-legged loves, but your writing brought tears to my eyes. I love you lady, keep on doing what you are doing and know, you gave them the best life ever!!
See you on facebook…
Hugs,
Jennifer
Thank you, Jennifer! I will miss them forever :(
So sad. I would miss my dog terribly. First day on your site. Love it!
Thank you, LeAnne! Gosh, what a blog post to welcome you…just visiting this page again brings tears to my eyes. So glad you found me, though!
I could have written this post and yes, you started me bawling again but I’m OK with that. I loved my little dog so much; she’s always worth a few tears.
I wrote a post too…would love you to meet my Abbie; I’m hoping all of our beloved animals are romping together somewhere waiting for us to show!
http://www.creative-culinary.com/saying-goodbye-to-abbie/
Dear Amy,
May your memories of your babies bring you joy. May shared remembrances with your family of special doggie moments bring you laughter. And may the sadness of missing them be replaced with the awe of having such a wonderful blessing in your life.
Wishing you the best!
Thank you, Megan <3
Sorry for your loss.
Thank you, Andrea.
I feel your pain, Amy. April 9th we had to put our 15 yr old black lab to sleep because of cancer. The last of all our furry family members. I think our house is too quiet as well, even though we have a 5 yr old son. We all miss Reba and I know we will see her again some day. Your babies are together, healthy, happy and playing. Hugs to you my friend. <3
Thank you, Shannon. Even months later I can’t verbally talk about them without crying. Miss them terribly. I appreciate your note <3
Hugs and prayers t0 you. It’s been 2 years since we lost our Annie Angel to cancer. Your two girls are together and playing just like my family’s two girls.
Thank you, Kim <3 It gets a smidge easier every day, but I will never ever stop wanting them back or missing them. Just typing this makes me sad. I hope they're someplace together and happy. I need to believe that.
Brought tears to my eyes. :'(
What everyone has said–ditto from me. But there is not “none,” as I see and feel it. There is you and a million memory dots from all the moments–big and small–you shared with Ginger and Ebi. You know this already from the time since Ebi left. Ginger wasn’t the same and neither were you. But after the first hundred flushes of deep pain, we settle into a time when those who have died–human, canine, feline–are sources of loving laughter as well as empty space. They live forever in your heart. And now you have inserted them into all our hearts as well.
Thank you for trusting us with your grief.
You have a way with words, you’re a beautiful writer. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I know the depths of grief you’re going through. And I can say is sorry and I know it doesn’t help. I wish I could hug you in person. Lots of love and hugs to you and your family. xo
Thank you for sharing your story – you are not alone. I am so sorry for your loss and oh how I can relate… I too lost my precious beagle only 2 months ago. You were lucky to have twice the joy and for 15 years! That is a good innings! I only had 6…. A life cut in half by invertebral disc disease with no technology for treatment / surgery where I live. She was in too much pain for me to fly with her to Boston. One day we will be able to open our hearts to another but for now I still stare at her bed beside mine and our daughter is sleeping with her stinky toys! I hope our darling beagles are all romping pain free at the Rainbow Bridge and not missing us as much as we miss them….. Until then ~ they will be with us always.
I had to wait to read this until now because I just couldn’t… I’m so sorry, Amy. I am so sorry.
i am so sorry for your loss. my fiance and i lost our pup to cancer last april and it was so hard. i’m sorry for the heartache you’re going through. sending love and positive vibes your way from MA. <3
Beautiful words, honey. I’m so sorry for your loss. They look like such sweethearts (and I love their names). My heart is breaking for you – to lose one and then the other so quickly. It’s never easy. Sending you love and hugs.
I am so very sorry. I know that nothing I can say will make it better. It just hurts.
I am so sorry. Our furry companions are family and it is so very difficult to
say goodbye. My heart hurts for you.
Velva
Oh, Amy. What a beautiful tribute to Ginger and Ebi. I know they brought you great joy and you’ll relive those moments again and again! They’re probably in dog heaven together right now, hearing the answer to that age-old question “WHO’s a good girl???” With much love, Jude and Nick
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. In June of 2013, I had to put my dog to sleep. She wasn’t sick. She just couldn’t walk anymore. I have another dog that is still mourning her best friend and has never been right since.
I just wanted to send my heartfelt sympathies to you and your family and send hugs of strength at your time of need. I wish I had something profound to say to you…but I don’t. When we love anything with all of our heart, nothing is the same without them. Be well.
Oh Amy, I know nothing I can say will help but I was devastated when I saw this the other day. Sending you so much love.
What a beautiful tribute. So sorry for your loss. Hang in there, love. xo
I’m so very sorry to hear about your pets. It is heartbreaking when they go. The pictures are so beautiful.
I read this this morning but had to wait until tonight to comment because it shook me so deeply. You ask if any of the details matter…yeah. They do. Because in those details are the love you had for your Ginger, and it was in those details that she felt your love. She knew she was loved, and cared for, and cherished. That’s the best thing you could have possibly done for her, or for Ebi. It’s the best thing we can possibly do for any of our babies.
I am so sorry to hear about the lost of your doggies. Lifting your family up in prayer. I do believe you will see them again, I have this same hope for my little furry one who passed in February 2006. I haven’t gotten another dog yet but one day I will.
So sorry about your dogies. They become a part of our family. We have been through this and I said I was never going to have a dog again, but I have a new puppy sitting on my lap!! Thinking of you!!
My condolences to you and your family. Vicki
I’m so sorry… they are together though. Was just sitting here crying over missing a dog that I fostered for just a couple of weeks who got adopted today. He’s off to a happy place (I hope), and here I am crying. And then I read your post, and am crying some more. People who love, and take care of dogs are the luckiest kind of people. Or so I think. You’re sweeties will be with you always, and now they are your angels.
Beautiful tribute to your pups, Amy. It made me cry right with you. It is a real reminder when that new puppy sits beside you on the terrible day of what looms ahead. When it was time for our wonderful 13 year old Heather (Old English Sheepdog), it was a new yellow lab pup beside us. I can still hear the words of that excited little boy asking us why we were at the vet. May your memories be fondly remembered and may they wait at the rainbow bridge for your reunion.
I’m so so sorry. I wish we could keep them forever, our beloved pets. And yes, cancer sucks – lost my last cat to complications from cancer. *HUG*
My heart goes out to you!! I lost my little one after 18 years and she was my heart and soul! I will keep you and them in my prayers.
My heart goes out to you at this time….I too have two dogs and know that someday I will be facing this same challenge….what a love song you have written to your pets…Wishing good thoughts and happy future to you.
Oh, my sweet Amy…tears. This is a beautiful post honoring two little souls who touched and enriched your family’s life for many years. You were lucky to have each other and they were blessed to have such a wonderful life with wonderful people. HUGS and lots of love to you. <3 you.
This rips me up inside. I am so sorry for the one loss right after the other. Nothing can ease this pain, I know. Hugs and love, my dear friend.
I cried as I read this memorial to Ginger and Ebi. Cancer is a total robber. It robbed us of our Megan. It has taken a long time to get past losing her. We have a pair of sisters now. I love their wet noses greeting me when I get home, yet I still every once in a while I will call for one and call them Megan. My heart goes out to you, and hopes God heals your hurt.
Amy, I’m so sorry. This had me weeping all the way through. They were both such gorgeous dogs. Sending you lots of hugs.
I am so sorry for your loss it is so hard to lose a family member. It’s been two years since the passing of Whitey my Jack Russell Terrier and 4 years since he mother passed. I miss them both so much. We moved to another state on a mountain with 40 acres there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t say Patch would have loved it here I wish she could have lived long enough to enjoy exploring. Now we have Olive our English Bull Terrier to fill the emptiness left by Patch and Whitey. Sending you warm thoughts.
I’m so sorry, Amy. Ginger was such a beautiful dog. She and Ebi are together now and you gave both of them wonderful lives. I’m sure they play together and bark back and forth about you and wait until they get to see you again – after all, all dogs go to heaven.
Oh, I am SO sorry for your losses, Amy! Our pets are a member of the family, especially after that long. Cancer is just as insidious in our pets as in humans. It’s been 8 years since I lost my Jazz to cancer and I haven’t the heart to get another cat.
I must hold onto the hope that we will see them again.
Wishing I could ease your pain. *hugs*
So absolutely sad to hear Amy… Have been in that sorrowful space a couple times myself and it never gets easier; each beautiful dog a heartache that heals with time and wonderful memories… Sending you a gentle hug, Cindy
We can hear/feel the deafening silence with both Ebi and Ginger now gone, and once again relive the loss of our dogs Perky, Patches, Max and Alex. They bring so much to our lives while we have them, but so much pain with their loss. Your wonderful readers have shared touching comments, which, hopefully, help each passing day get a wee bit easier. The tears are starting to blur my eyes, so enough said for now.
I cried as I read this. Your pets were beautiful and I know it hurts. I never saw my husband cry until he ran over a pet of ours a year ago. Daisy went to greet him when he got home from work and he didn’t see her. It’s terrible seeing our buddies leave this earth, but like you said it’s awesome when they are with us.
My heart hurts for you. In my many years of living, I have had my furry children pass on and it never gets easier to deal with! Hugs.
Amy, I can’t even imagine going through this twice within the same year. Murray had bone cancer in his jaw with a giant tumor. We didn’t even have options except let it run its toll (with lots of pain meds). Cancer sucks. Thinking of you xoxo
I am sobbing right there with you A. Your sweet pups made me want to get beagles and I have you to thank. When your pain is at its worst please remember that you loved the shit out of those hounds just like they loved the shit out of you and your family. They couldn’t have had a better life. They will be with you always. xoxoxox
With tears in my eyes, I know exactly your pain. My just shy of 16 year old Cocker Spaniel had lung cancer. Living through the downward spiral was so difficult, and then the rapid decision to put her down was heartbreaking. You are so right…the silence is deafening. It took me 5 months before I was ready to look for a new Cocker. My children chose her, and she is the most loved dog in the world.
Hugs to you.